Top Gear Simpsons
by Philip Glenister tomboy
Summary: The Simpsons go to the Top Gear set to watch the filming and Bart Simpson strangely meets his match in Philip Glenister when one of the Stig's stunts go pear shaped with Bart's cool adult friend behind the scenes. They have a lot in common as he and Bart are streetwise, sassy and cool with a love of pranks. Meanwhile Millhouse Van Houten gets lost and ends up in Heathrow Airport!
1. Chapter 1

_The Simpsons: Top Gear Simpsons_

**Bart ends up causing mayhem on the set of Top Gear and thinks he is the Stig; that is until Jeremy Clarkson catches the mischievous 10 year old boy ruining the filming! He strangely meets his match in Philip Glenister who challenges Bart to a prank off on both the race track and Top Gear film set.**

* * *

"Hey lets ask this guy if he's seen Bart." Marge gestures to JEREMY CLARKSON who stands by the side of the race track. He watches as a fast sports car races around the circuit. They walk over to him.

Philip Glenister is not so different in real life from the gung-ho, street-savvy Gene Hunt, he plays in _Life on Mars UK_. He doesn't suffer fools gladly and he has a cunning tactic for tackling drivers or kids who get on his nerves. Bart Simpson has finally met his match in a mature mullet haired version of himself as he has irascible one-liners and better pranks than Bartholemew Jay Simpson!

"I know you. You make that Motoring show." said Lisa Marie Simpson who recognised Jeremy Clarkson instantly from the television.

"That's right. I'm just here filming an episode of Top Gear." replied the curly haired man holding a complex camera set.

"You're that guy that says bad things about America." Homer Simpson remarked like the lovable buffoon he is with his trademark blue jeans and white t-shirt.

"No, I love America. It just annoys me that the government there doesn't teach Americans about other countries and all they have to offer."

"What? Like that foul mouthed chef who swears every five seconds?" Homer points back over to Gordon Ramsay, who now has the burger-stand guy pulled half over the counter in a headlock.

"Okay. Name a country in Europe." challenged Jeremy Clarkson, who tested Homer on European Geography.

"Australia with the kangaroos and their seasons are opposite to ours. Germany who make Audi and BMW cars and France who have the Eiffel Tower."

Lisa puts her hand to her head when explaining kangaroos are marsupials.

"My daughter has the greatest imagination." Lisa rolls her eyes.

Bart and Millhouse Van Houten sit, scrunched down in the boot, behind the seats of the fast sports car.

"Ay Carumba!" The ten year old sassy dude exclaims when he spots Philip Glenister behind the wheel.

"Bart. I don't feel so good." Millhouse said timidly and felt he was about to throw up.

Bart spies Homer, Marge and Lisa as they finish a lap of the circuit.

"Oh, no there's mum and dad." Bart Simpson dreaded the consequences or the vomit lurgy that may appear from his best friend Millhouse.

"Bart. I'm serious. You've gotta make this guy stop, he's worse than you!" shouted a scared Millhouse Van Houten as Philip Glenister thrashes the BMW 3 Series saloon around. All of which has led Glenister to the much more sensible BMW 330 in middle-management silver that was parked outside the Top Gear race track on a disused airfield. His younger teenage and 20 something friends call it the "pimp-mobile" (although he has yet to add go-faster stripes) and he and Bart claim it is a wolf in sheep's clothing.

Bart looks at his folks, then back to Millhouse, then back to his folks. Homer sees them as they whiz past.

"Bart and Millhouse are in the back of that car." Homer was really panicking about Bart's cool adult friend.

"Millhouse. If I get this awesome but crazy friend of mine to stop, we are both dead."

The car speeds in to the fist corner of the next lap.

Bart and Millhouse fly from one side of the car to the other.

"Please Bart and Phil. That jelly pudding we had for lunch is coming back up."

"Really? I brought mine back up before we got in the car with the awesome Phil dude."

The car races up towards the start/finish line where the Simpsons and Jeremy Clarkson stand.

"Oh well, I guess ya gotta go sometime and be awesome for once in your life!"

The fast car races past to start another lap. Homer sees another fast car parked close by. He dons his helmet and gets behind the wheel. In no time at all he has caught The Stig while Bart was hanging out with Philip Glenister.

"I'm all over it" Philip Glenister says to Bart Simpson, who talks of his life in London's leafy suburbs. "I'd hate to get back into my car on the weekends because I'd be driving with my boring missus who's old enough to be my nagging Mum and she says, 'You're driving awfully fast dear, can you slow down — you can do it at work but this is Richmond'." he mocks Beth Goddard's voice putting on a snobby mother in law accent to his remark.

"You know it, totally refreshing, man, sorry you got landed with a lemon of a wife ancient enough to be your Mum!" replied Bart Simpson as the two guys fist bump each other in an act of coolness. The 10 year old boy learned his adult friend Philip Glenister is married to the actress Beth Goddard and has her two late in life daughters. They live in Richmond, west London. But his newfound pranks and skills didn't go down too well with her especially as the missus's two toddlers were involved with them and nearly got harmed during the process, anyway he reveals one of his favourite road tricks.

"If I'm next to an aggressive driver who's been showing off, I've developed my own way of getting back at them. If I point to their wheel — as if to say 'Jesus, have you seen the problem you've got?' — it puts the seed of doubt in the back of their minds. In 10 minutes' time you can bet they'll be pulling over to take a look."

Philip Glenister took his test as soon as he could and is still bitter about failing first time. "I had a dickhead of an examiner," he explains. "He told me to take the next left, so I did and we ended up in a car park. He turned to me and said, 'This is a car park,' and I said, 'I didn't know if you meant the car park or the next road.' The bastard failed me for that." But this was not his only misdemeanour. "I also didn't handle a roundabout properly," he admits. "I went over it instead of round it."

"Oh, I have loads of enemies in school especially with certain teachers like my headmaster Seymour Skinner. Dickhead, that's a good one Phil dude!" said Bart Simpson telling Philip Glenister about his reputation in Springfield Primary School as top dog at his Year 6 class with Mrs. Edna Krabappel "Your teachers were very unreasonable to you, how could they write you off? Oh well they didn't deserve someone as cool and wild as you!" Just like Bart Simpson is now; Philip Glenister was a sassy, prank loving and streetwise young student during his schooldays in the 1980s and early 1990s.

"It's a sports car disguised as a saloon," he says to Bart Simpson. "I bought it four years ago and it's the first decent car I've ever had. The one drawback is that there's not enough room in the boot for even a set of golf clubs. But it's great for long journeys — you don't notice driver's fatigue nearly as much in a smooth car like that as when you're in some old pit." Bart is impressed by Philip Glenister's BMW since he wants one as soon as he turns 17 years old and after tearing his L plates up.

Reluctantly, he's now considering something more family and luggage friendly. "I'm looking at Audis because I think they're practical but still look good," he says without much enthusiasm."One thing's for sure, I'm never going to drive a 4x4 in London. I don't want another child either — I couldn't stand to drive an MPV, I'm too cool for school and thank fuck me missus is getting too elderly; I personally think it's selfish that the old slag is parenting babies and toddlers at her advanced years."

Philip Glenister is referring to his much older missus Beth's two IVF produced children, Milly, 4, and Charlotte, 1 as he doesn't like babies and toddlers much; but somehow she for her age managed to overturn his sassy, prank loving and streetwise ways; into boring humdrum parenthood; the woman was 20 or 30 years overdue for having children; which is so not his personality and even though Beth was in an affair with Dennis Waterman during 1983, when he was still at secondary school.

"I listen to the radio quite a bit, Radios 1, 2 and 4. I've just bought the best of Ian Dury and the Blockheads and the best of David Bowie which is good driving music, and filming Life on Mars has taken me back into my old hippie stage, so I've found myself buying Paul McCartney's new album, Chaos and Creation in the Back Yard, and the Rolling Stones, A Bigger Bang."

"You were a hippie once? Woah, wicked!" Marge runs to Bart and picks him up in a hug asking how is his cool friend from West London.

"Philip Glenister taught me some awesome tricks, recalled his awesome school days and told me he has a sucky lemon of a marriage with a woman old enough to be his mum and her two late life kids."

"Well he is the adult version of you, Barty." said Marge Simpson.

"You have the outfit and you can certainly drive. What do you say?" asked Jeremy Clarkson, but Homer Simpson butts in their conversation again. "Nah, all this fast driving isn't for me. It's too dangerous. I'm going back to working in the British Gas electric and gas power plant."

"Yeah, me too Bart. That looked really scary."

Bart points to Gordon Ramsay who now has the guy from the burger van on the floor and is straddling him, lifting him up by his shirt and banging him back down.

"And you call that a BEEPing hot dog?"

A television crew stand around the entrance of the track in a huddle, discussing what camera angles to use, and such. Homer comes running up to the producer.

"Sorry, the part had already been filled." The director steps back to reveal Barney, squeezed in to a white racing suit. He sways from side to side.

"Hi Homer."

"He's great, he drives like a mad man."

"Why you BEEPing F..."

* * *

**I wanted Philip Glenister to meet his other cool but younger equivalent, challenge to a prank off and see The Simpsons be put into Top Gear; could Bart be Top Gear's youngest ever stunt driver at the tender age of 10?**


	2. Chapter 2

_Chapter #2: Lost a Millhouse_

**What happens since that Top Gear episode for the Simpson family? How did Millhouse Van Houten manage to leave the Top Gear set and get lost in London? Millhouse had been playing a very dangerous prank; in the sense he nearly catches a plane to the United States of America at Heathrow Airport, can Chief Inspector Wiggum and his CID team track Bart's best pal down before anything serious happens to him?**

* * *

Bart and Millhouse walk out in to the car park.

"Wow man, that was uber cool!"

"Yeah, that totally rocked! What do we do now?"

Millhouse immediately breaks down.

"I knew it. I am gonna be stuck in London, forced to live on tea and biscuits!" Bart shakes Millhouse.

Bart slaps him in the face a few times. Just as Bart starts to enjoy it he spies what looks like Brooklands Museum race track. He stops hitting Millhouse.

"Marge, do you remember the last time I was in a Mini Cooper?" Homer was in a red Mini when his family went to visit Buckingham Palace for the day.

Homer spies a car park full of jazzed up sports cars in front of a race track.

"Hey, there's a load of cars just like mine. Maybe their owners can help us."

GORDON RAMSAY is arguing with the FOOD STAND OWNER through the serving hatch.

"What the BEEP do you think you're doing? This is the worst BEEPing hamburger I've ever BEEPing eaten."

"Hey, go away Ramsay. There's nothing wrong with that burger."

"Nothing wrong with this BEEping burger? What are you BEEPing BEEP BEEP BEEPing stupid or something?"

"We're looking for Millhouse Have you seen him? He's a ten year old British boy about this big." asked Marge Simpson to the profanity using chef.

"No I haven't seen your BEEPing son's geeky friend!"

"A lot of help you were, Mr. Ramsay." replied Marge Simpson sarcastically.

Homer rings up Chief Inspector Clancy Wiggum to find Millhouse Van Houten before he accidentally catches a plane to the United States of America from Heathrow Airport London.

"Hi, DCI Clancy Wiggum, can you help find my son's four eyed friend please?" asked Homer Simpson over a mobile phone worried that Millhouse may have went to an unfamiliar country; even though they speak English, it is completely different to the UK standards.

"Yeah, sure. What does he look like and err how old?"

"Ten years, comes up to my jeans and has blue hair with red NHS prescription glasses, purple t-shirt and red shorts with matching shoes."

"Okay, just let me get my Ford Granada started up and I'll get my team on to it."

Chief Inspector Clancy Wiggum comes to pick up Homer, Marge and Lisa as witnesses since they were the ones who last seen Millhouse Van Houten before he escaped the Top Gear set and got himself lost in London.

"Hop in," said Eddie as Chief Inspector Wiggum guns the blue Ford Granada Mk2 Ghia X down the motorway heading for Heathrow to return Millhouse to Luanne and Kirk Van Houten who must be stricken with worry, thinking that their precious son had now landed in the United States of America never to be seen again.

Meanwhile at Heathrow Airport; Marge, Lisa and Homer hold up a sign with Millhouse Van Houten written on it as the ten year old boy's photograph and description had been circulated by fax, e-mail, radio and to all British news stations.

Springfield CID get looking for Millhouse; it was their responsibility as some of Britain's finest plain clothed police officers to be looking for Bart's best friend; even though security of Heathrow Airport had Millhouse awaiting collection at a lost child station. "You shouldn't be travelling to the United States of America without your parents, should yer?" said the airport security woman who had brunette hair, was wearing a British Airways uniform, royal blue high heels and make up.

"Well I wanted to see Top Gear film in the USA for their road trip special and couldn't wait for it to be shown on BBC 2..." said Millhouse breaking down in tears, he wanted his toy Yorkshire Terrier to hug. He knew he had been seriously naughty as this could have ended in tragedy probably never to see his parents and Britain ever again.

"Look boys, Millhouse is waiting with that sexy security lady." yelled Chief Inspector Clancy Wiggum ordering his team to follow him with gestures.

"Now, Millhouse my boy you won't go catching planes to the United States of America by yourself again? You've made your parents really worried by managing to escape the Top Gear set for a prank and you've wasted your friend's parents time as well." said Chief Inspector Wiggum seriously "Now your parents Kirk and Luanne will be very disappointed in you, Milly boy."

Chief Inspector Clancy Wiggum drives Millhouse safely to the Van Houtens, while he updates base with the good news in which the glasses wearing ten year old boy is found.

Kirk and Luanne Van Houten were relieved, but were very cross with their son Millhouse for playing such a dangerous stunt on the Top Gear set escaping to Heathrow Airport to visit the United States of America.


End file.
